I recently did a DISC assessment for my day job.
If you aren’t familiar with the DISC, it is a personality system that was created by a man named William Marson back in 1928 but it shows that behavioral characteristics can be grouped together in four major groups.
Long Story short - people with similar styles tend to exhibit specific behavior characteristics which are common to one of the four styles - to which everyone shares these four styles to different degrees of intensity.
It lays out who you are - how you act and react - and what your tendencies are.
And let’s just say - it's accurate as heck.
If you take the time to read your assessment it lays out some hard core truths about who you are and what drives you.
And I read something in my assessment that gave me that major ICK factor - Why?
Because it doesn’t align with who I WANT to be or how I want OTHERS to see me.
I tossed the assessment down - unwilling to accept what the paper in front of me was trying to tell me.
But when I came back to it with fresh eyes and a WAY more open mind and heart - I realized, it was true - and not just that there was SOME truth in it - but that it was the real, raw, and hard core truth.
And I didn’t like it - but I had to confront myself with the truth that - I was reacting a certain way to this assessment because it WAS true - and it IS me.
And that is that I rely on others to recognize, praise, and that I really care about my “social status.”
ICK - ICK ya’ll.
So let’s talk about it!
How CAN you move forward with love and acceptance for those parts of you that make you cringe? How can you harness those powers for good? How can you LEVERAGE that ICK to help you grow?
I’m still cringing over this assessment - if I’m honest with you.
It bothers me that I care so much about what other people think.
It is a sticky floor of mine that I believe holds me back in SO MANY WAYS.
I might not post content because I worry that the haters and the trolls on the internet will say “Who is SHE to post that?” or “what does she know? She isn’t qualified to tell US what to do.”
I worry that I won’t fit in with a group if I am “on the outside” - and what I mean by that is I tend to be SO agreeable that it used to mean I was NOT authentic.
If you asked me if I had seen a recent movie, I used to lie and say YES because I wanted you to think we were alike.
If you asked me if I liked country music, I would say hell yes, when really its only a few songs.
I used to sit quietly listening - even if I didn’t agree, because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
I know this about myself - and the only word I can think of is ICK. ICK because it doesn’t make me feel like a strong independent woman who is a leader.
It makes me feel like a lemming. Like a nobody .
Why should I NEED recognition from anyone but myself?
It is a good question - and probably one I will spend my life working on -
It's my sticky floor.
So let me ask you… what piece of you makes you feel icky?
What piece of you makes you cringe a little?
What piece of you are you shutting away from the world - pretending it doesn’t matter or it doesn’t bother you - when really… it does?
THAT is the piece we are going to learn to confront today - so that you can take the ICK - acknowledge it - but also - move on from it.
STEP 1: Is to truly notice how it shows up in your body. For me, when I was reading this assessment and in the 30 pages it KEPT coming back up - this need for recognition and praise - and I just kept skimming over it - moving on - not wanting to highlight that piece of me that was without a doubt TRUE. I wanted to RUSH PAST the truth - because then I wouldn’t have to acknowledge it.
Once you take those sensations - the uncomfortableness that you are feeling in your own skin - that is the VERY beginning of opening up your vulnerability - to say “I am not perfect. But this is me.”
STEP 2: Is to name what is bothering you - for me, it was the need to be liked, recognized, and praised.
And that is when the DEEP work comes in - where you have to ask and answer some really deep questions about why you do what you do - and where those actions come from. That is STEP 3.
When I got quiet, and introspective - I found the answer.
I am a child of divorce - my parents separated when I was 2 and so I spent my life living between two households.
These households had different rules about how we could behave and what was acceptable - different expectations about how we would act at the dinner table and what was OK or not OK.
So each week, I spent my life code -switching in my own HOMES.
Let that sink in.
I know MANY of you listening code switch at work - and I know my friends, especially my friends who are people of color have to code switch daily at work - but as a kid growing up in two different homes - I was code switching in the one (or rather two) places I was supposed to be able to be my one authentic self.
Of course, I never realized that at the time - but I spent my home life trying to fit in to each homes expectations - to be the “good little girl” that each house required - because I saw in each home - how praise was doled out - how I was rewarded for different things -
So life for me, was a constant code switch. And when I got into the corporate world, that only continued.
With that revelation - it is NO WONDER some of my favorite times and the times I feel most comfortable are when I am alone, or when I am with my kids - who have NO expectation of how Mom should be acting (at least yet - they are 5 and 8 and that unconditional love is there.)
And once you have done the deep work - once you have peeled back that onion to uncover the WHY - WHY do I need recognition - WHY do I need praise - WHY do I need people to like me - you can get to the magical - transformational step -
STEP 4: The PIVOT.
I will likely always want praise and recognition - its deeply ingrained in me. But guess what? I can provide my OWN praise and recognition. My OWN rewards.
I don’t have to have my boss compliment me on that work - I can reward myself once I have completed that project.
OR I might look at the core of my desire to fit in and belong as a positive - that MY desire to belong and be a leader, also means I have the magical power to make EVERYONE feel a sense of belonging when they are with me - that I can see the power and the good in EVERYONE around me.
And ya’ll - as I say that - even here- I realize how true that is. I have always had such diverse groups of friends and I have always celebrated EVERYONE in my life - and seen the good in EVERYONE because I truly feel that the whole world is connected. That we are ALL connected- and I want to make sure everyone feels that.
Ya’ll - some leaders are SO self-centered and focused on results at ALL COSTS - they forget to focus on the people and on belonging - no one ever has to worry about that with me.
So while I feel that ICK when I think about how I have this NEED for belonging and this NEED for recognition and praise and just ICK ya’ll - I can look at that and I can create some very intentional thought shifts about how my ICK IS my superpower - because no one around me will ever NOT be praised. No one around me will ever feel like they don’t belong.
And ya'll that is a freaking superpower - and its something I am SO SO SO proud of.
You have heard the “make your mess your message?” That is what this step is all about.
Take the ICK and PIVOT - how is the ICK powerful. How does it make you stand apart?
How does it make you a better leader- a better mom - a better partner - a better friend?
And when you feel that ick creep in - hold on to the pivot. And remember that yes, you DO want and need the ICK - but that ICK is what makes you amazing and magnificent - and unique - and powerful.
Harness that power. The power of the pivot.
And I’ll leave you with this - deep down, everyone wants to live a life that matters. We all want to feel like the time we spend on earth makes a difference, and we achieve that by intentionally using your influence every day to bring about positive change in the lives of others.
You take that ICK and you PIVOT.
I’m so grateful for you - I’m so thankful for you - and this is your reminder to STOP putting ceilings on what is possible, and start smashing through them!
If this resonated with you - please like, share and comment, as it truly helps it land in the hands of the person that needs to see it most!
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